Doubt

“… I believe in the holy Catholic and apostolic church
The communion of saints
The forgiveness of sins..”

As much as I tried to meditate during these scripted prayers at church, my mind couldn’t help drifting. The Apostles creed always painted a dramatic picture in my head.
And today, the first time I am reciting it as a communicant, the pictures in my head are not corresponding with the sanctity of the prayers.
I don’t know how long I had phased out.
But I startled when the person next to me brushed my shoulder trying to sit down.

I left church that day feeling weighty. I could not get past the expectations on a Christian based on the words. I was already doing my best and still found myself falling short. Something I could not particularly deal with.
The feeling that I am not good enough.

They said that is what grace is all about. Unmerited favour and unrequited love and affection. That I am NEVER worthy. Never? Seriously?? No matter how hard I try?
I can’t live like this.

I think it’s amusing how I have these conversations in my head. And my “angel” is quite the good humoured cynic. My “devil” is less logical. Very tacky and in a hurry to express read shout his(of course it’s a He!) opinion into acceptance.

So just before I let myself wallow in a self-indulgent agnostic rant, my angel with common sense chips in a “& so what if you are not ever good enough?” I brake at that thought. “is it not enough that you are loved regardless of your worthiness?”
I give my angel more audience. &  she takes the cue. “here’s the trick. Gods word, which is infallible, already States it so. So working as if u can prove God’s word wrong is already a false move.”
“what about when I am clearly unworthy? ” I ask my angel. She wasn’t quite expecting it I guess, cos she went silent.
” yes Miss know-it-all.. What happens then??  When she has been… “my devil capitalises on this pause and begins to give detailed recounts of my wrongs.
Im just staring, open-mouthed at him as he goes on and on.” I can’t believe you have been counting!” I gasp, cutting him short, he shrugs and wants to continue but my angel finally finds a response  to my question “His word says His grace is sufficient. His strength is optimal when we are weak.” I nod in understanding.
Its not by power or by might.

The next time I said the Apostles creed, or any prayer at all, all my doubt was replaced by a new feeling, gratitude.

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